Now that the Red Sox are out of the playoffs (painfully so), I can be completely objective about who I think will win the World Series.

Some people would use matchup history, batting averages, ERA or even run simulations based on individual players to come up with a prediction. I’ll use another metric: deadliness of the team name.

So let’s assume that the name of each team was put into a death match with the other team. Here’s how it would come out.

ALDS

Rays vs Rangers
Now if the Rays were still the Devil Rays with their stingy pointy thing, then this could turn out differently, but a sun ray against a ranger? Assuming the Rangers come well-hydrated and don’t forget their hats, the Rangers should come out with nothing more than a sunburn.
Prediction: Rangers

Tigers vs Yankees
I’ll say these tigers are not well-trained or at least not well-fed so anyone of the Northeastern United States would be a tasty snack or make for an entertaining maul, especially since a yankee wouldn’t be expecting a tiger, them not being native to the northeast and all.
Prediction: Tigers

ALCS

Rangers vs Tigers
The thing about Rangers is they tend to have guns. Tigers, while ferocious do not absorb bullets well. Bonus: the Rangers will have a nice meal that night.
Prediction: Rangers

NLDS

Diamondbacks vs Brewers
This is a joke right? Drunk beermaker vs deadly snake? Venom poisoning beats alcohol poisoning every time.
Prediction: Dbacks

Phillies vs Cardinals
“Phillies” are apparently upstanding citizens of Philidelphia. Let’s ignore that bizarre mascot, the Phanatic, which would be toast in fight against a toaster. While I’m sure a cardinal could give you a pretty good peck, even a Philadelphian might just be smart enough to survive a cardinal attack. It might be a different story if this was a scene from The Birds, but assuming this is a Phillie and an cardinal, mono a mono, I see the Phillie surviving.
Prediction: Phillies

NLCS

Diamondbacks vs Phillies
While a sober Philadelphian (is there such a thing?) might be a bit more of a challenge to a pissed off deadly snake, unless that Philadelphian is really fast and an expert stomper, I’ll give the snake 10:1 odds.
Prediction: Diamondbacks

World Series

(Where the “World” consists of 29 teams from the United States and one other just a few miles from the Northern US border)

Diamondbacks vs Rangers
Well, shooting a tiger is one thing, but sniping a snake is another. Perhaps if the ranger brought a shotgun, it might be a bit easier. Then again, if the ranger is not a military man, but a crunchy park ranger, it would be all over. It’s a close one, but I’ll root for my fellow mammals on this one. Yay, guns make us better than all the other animals!
Prediction: Rangers

There you have it, the Rangers winning their first World Series after failing last year. It should be fun to watch, even if the Red Sox will be watching from their couches, just like me. It’s really too bad – a sock could very effectively contain a diamondback.