The context: It’s 9 pm on Friday night. The whole family is driving to New Hampshire for the weekend. Elliott and Audrey are in the back

seat. Both of them had a really busy day. Audrey is already asleep.

Elliott, when he gets very tired, gets extremely grumpy and contradictory. This time I managed to use my iPhone’s voice memo app and transcribe his rantings.

If he was a few years older, this would be disturbing. But when he’s 4, it’s cute and funny. In fact, it reads like some avant-garde poetry. “the light is too dark”,  “We can’t see light behind us“, “I direct my own mouth.”

—

[Anne plays kids’ music and then starts looking at stuff on her phone]

You don’t look right away
You wait
and I say when you do something and not do something
because that’s mean
that’s making you be mean
I’m being mean to you
that’s being mean to me and it’s not making me not happy
it’s a making me sad
you don’t go right away and look at it
i want to look at something. And I say no, you can’t look at something
I’m throwing your phone right out the window
I’m throwing it right over the highway and into the trees

(sobbing)

I need to go to sleep before Audrey
I go to sleep before Audrey
Audrey, get awake right now

[He’s suddenly getting frustrated at his car seat]

This is too tight
loosen this up
this is too tight
this is not too tight
it’s not too loose
the light is too dark
it’s too dark
it’s too dark

When are we going to be there?
When are we going to be there?
Anne: “We have a long time left to go, Elliott”
No we don’t, we have three. Three miles and 1 minute
I wish the camp was right here
Right there

Why is that police there?
Anne: “Pulling somebody over. Somebody was doing something wrong. They were going too fast or they did something wrong.”
What’s if there’s someone behind us?
We can’t see em behind us.
We can’t see light behind us.

(whining)

This is too long
This is too long of a ride

(yawning)

It’s too long of a ride
And the seat is tickling me
And a bumblebee stinged me
A bumblebee stinged me
A bumblebee stinged me

Mommy, the bumblebee stinged me
It really hurts. I need a bandaid right now
Two bandaids
Anne: “I’m sorry I don’t have any bandaids. If you’re still hurting tomorrow…”
Do you have the Mickey ones?
Anne: “If we have them, they’re back in the bathroom bag.”
Where is the bathroom bag?
Anne: “The bathroom bag is way in the back.”
Where is the bathroom bag?
The bathroom bag is way up front.
Anne: “No, Elliott”

(indiscernable rants)

TOO LONG OF A RIDE!!
TOO LONG OF A RIDE!!

It’s not fair that Audrey’s asleep and I’m not.
It’s not really fair.

When you get a bug bite, it stays there.
It doesn’t go away
How to bug bites go away? How?

AUDREY WAKE UP!
AUDREY WAKE UP!
AUDREY WAKE UP, YOU’RE MAKING ME SAD!

[Audrey stays soundly asleep]

Mommy, I can’t go to sleep. I can’t go to sleep until you turn the music on.
Anne: “Elliott, you have to be ready to listen. You can’t listen if you’re talking.”

I can talk if I want. You don’t direct me. I can talk if I want.
You don’t direct my mouth.
I direct my own mouth.
My mouth says what it needs to say every day and every night.

It’s not fair.

I’ll catch you with a net.
I’ll catch you when I’m fishing.
I’ll catch you like a fish.

Somebody’s touching my foot.
Somebody’s touching my foot and they’re not supposed to.
Somebody’s touching my foot.

Can you help me go to sleep?
Can you help me go to sleep?

I need you to do something.

You’re wrong and I’m right.
Daddy’s wrong.

Are we going to be there in a long time?
You’re wrong.