It seems that every day lately one of my friends announces that they’re having a kid. That’s great. Some of them even ask me for advice. That’s scary, especially since I might still be closer to being a kid than having one myself.

But that won’t stop me from giving some advice anyway. I’ve never read a parenting book, but I do watch TV and I figure that should be good enough. So here’s a few things I’ve learned.

1. Do NOT shake your baby’s bon-bon. Better yet, consider carefully before you outsource your parenting.

2. Do NOT hang your baby off a second story balcony. While we’re on the topic, it’s best to keep all kids that are NOT yours out of your bed.

3. Closely related to the last rule: keep your child away from psychopaths with cameras. Someday your kid MAY want to try to get a date.

4. Lastly, put your baby down BEFORE you feed hungry crocodiles or prehistoric creatures of ANY kind. I’m sure someone in the audience will be happy to hold him for you.

OK, I think that’s it. As long as you follow these simple rules you should be model parents. Any other questions?