How to install a treadmill

Correct Method

  1. Select any treadmill you like.
  2. Cheerfully hand over an additional $200 to have it delivered and installed.
  3. Enjoy a frosty beverage of your choice while a couple of burly men drive up to your house, carry your treadmill down your steps, unpack it and set it up while your children play and laugh nearby.

Incorrect Method

  1. Select a treadmill that weighs more than the combined weight of all adult members of your household, say 350lbs.
  2. Elect to pick it up yourself and feel superior to the suckers who pay $200 to have it delivered.
  3. Pick up the treadmill with vehicle clearly not intended to carry a 7.5ft, 350lb box, say a 1999 Honda CR-V.
  4. Ignore the doubtful looks of the treadmill store guy who helps you get it into the car.
  5. Breathe a sign of relief when it actually fits, hanging several feet out the back window.
  6. Drive home. Back up your car over your lawn to your basement bulkhead.
  7. Attempt to open the basement door, only to realize the deadbolt lock has fallen apart and into the stair area which locked on both ends.
  8. Spend a half hour disassembling the door, removing it from its hinges, and prying it off with a crowbar.
  9. Realize you somehow failed to eat a proper meal all day and are subsisting solely on birthday cake and ice cream.
  10. Slide the treadmill out of the car and down the steps.
  11. Determine that the box is a quarter inch too wide to fit through the doorway.
  12. Tear apart the box and attempt to take out individual pieces, hoping to lighten it.
  13. Surmise that the removed parts weigh less than 20 pounds.
  14. Strain to tilt the torn-apart box on its side so it may fit through the doorway.
  15. Perform all this sometime after usual dinnertime so your kids are overtired and hungry.
  16. Attempt to drag the 300lb treadmill, on its side, down the steps while your children are screaming and clinging to your legs.
  17. Somehow manage to get it down to the floor.
  18. Thank jeebus that it has wheels to move it the rest of the way across the floor.
  19. Reattach your basement door.
  20. Put the pieces of the treadmill together.
  21. Collapse.

 

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