Advice to parents-to-be from a non-parent

It seems that every day lately one of my friends announces that they’re having a kid. That’s great. Some of them even ask me for advice. That’s scary, especially since I might still be closer to being a kid than having one myself.

But that won’t stop me from giving some advice anyway. I’ve never read a parenting book, but I do watch TV and I figure that should be good enough. So here’s a few things I’ve learned.

1. Do NOT shake your baby’s bon-bon. Better yet, consider carefully before you outsource your parenting.

woodward

2. Do NOT hang your baby off a second story balcony. While we’re on the topic, it’s best to keep all kids that are NOT yours out of your bed.

Jackson

3. Closely related to the last rule: keep your child away from psychopaths with cameras. Someday your kid MAY want to try to get a date.

Jackson

4. Lastly, put your baby down BEFORE you feed hungry crocodiles or prehistoric creatures of ANY kind. I’m sure someone in the audience will be happy to hold him for you.

irwin

OK, I think that’s it. As long as you follow these simple rules you should be model parents. Any other questions?

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